Who Moved My Cheese?
I agree that fear does drive me everyday. From early in the morning until I go to bed at night. Im afraid if I stay in bed and dont go to work, Ill be fired. Im afraid if I dont pretend to like everyone at work that they wont like me. Im afraid that if I tell my boss what I really think of his idea, hell find a way to fire me. Im afraid that if I dont attend the parent meeting at school, they will think Im a bad parent. These are just a few of the fears that run through my mind.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like to just tell people what I really think of them, instead of staying silent because Im afraid of what theyll think. Sometimes I wonder who Id be if I werent afraid of being something other than a wife and mother. I do what is expected of me because I fear what people will think of me. Although, I know that they can not do anything to me. I do not want them to see me on the street and whisper about something they think Ive done wrong.
Often I have been in a group of other parents or with my friends and I have not said what I really wanted to say because I was afraid of being embarrassed. It runs through my mind, just as Im about to say something, that the other people will think Im stupid. Even though, I know that what they say isnt always the brightest thing. This is why I have a difficult time with public speaking. I just know everyone in the audience is thinking what an idiot I am. It probably isnt true but that is my fear.
My father left our family when I was around 12 years old and never kept any contact with us. I always wanted to call him or write him and tell him how horrible I thought he was for that. But, of course because of my fear of confrontation, I did not. Instead, I send him Christmas and birthday cards each year and pretend it never happened. It is easier to me than dealing with it. I guess you would call that, a fear of dealing with negative feelings. I will never do that to my children.
Speaking of children, I have lots of fears concerning them. I fear they will make the same mistakes I did and not learn the same valuable lessons. I fear they will be disappointed and not be able to deal with it. I fear they will grow up and not use their minds, as they should. I fear them not choosing the right path. Most of all I fear they will not be happy with themselves. The fears I have about my children are some of my greatest fears. I do not want them to be unhappy.
I have been at my mother in-laws house before, after a big dinner and I didnt want to help with the dishes because none my of sister in-laws would. But, I feared they would be angry with me if I didnt help, so I did. Had I told them what I really thought I might not have to ever go back there again or I might not even be married? Then that brings on another fear. Would I be all alone? Being alone is a terrible fear of mine. That is why I have five children. So I will never be alone when I get old.
My greatest fear of all is the fear of dying. I used to think about it all the time. How would I die? When would I die? Would it be an easy death or violent? What happens to me after I die? Will people remember me? Will people think good or bad things about me? It seems almost obsessive, but really its just a fear. Im sure a lot more people think about it than would admit. I dont think about it as much anymore. I just put it out of my head when it pops in. As Ive gotten older I have plenty of other thing to fear now.
Since I have never been successful at being something Im not, I probably could never be fearless. This would require me to speak up, be opinionated, not be everyones friend and not care about what other people thought. I will always care what people think. It makes me who I am just like my fears do. I do not think feel that not being afraid today and not having fear will make me a better person. It actually helps me to be a kinder, gentler, nicer person and that is a person I like. I feel as long as I like who I am than having fear has not cost me anything.